“Dad?”
“Yes Becan”
“What are man boobs?” Michael put down his glass of wine and looked over at me with an expressionless face. He then turned to face his eight year old son and looked him straight in the eye.
“They are a bad, bad thing”
I stayed silent and simply nodded. I was sitting in my friend’s kitchen in London drinking fine wine and reviewing my most recent “please will you publish my wonderful book” session with a publisher. His eight year old son, Becan had decided to sit with us and soak up the immense wisdom that we were spouting with increasing vigour as the evening wore on.
But for once there was wisdom being spoken – for indeed they are. A very bad thing. And as the world gets fatter the more they seem to be bouncing about. Now don’t get me wrong – boobs are a fantastic thing in their right place. But that place is on a woman. It is not on the front of a couple of “about to turn forty” men and it is definitely not on the front of a professional athlete even if that athlete is a golfer.
Good (very good actually) 
Bad (very bad actually)
What has this got to do with golf though? Well actually, if you’ll bear with me. quite a lot. It has a lot to do with the whole concept of golf as a sport and a sport that you need to be an athlete to perform at. During my challenge I had to get fit. I was 37 and to be honest not exactly in the peak of physical shape. In fact on an off day you could have seen the start of man boobs and indeed that was a terrible time in front of the mirror. But to get round 18 holes with maybe a bit of practice before and have enough energy to practice after you needed to be a LOT fitter than I was. To hit a great big drive to allow yourself a wedge in and not a 7 iron you needed to be a lot fitter than I was. So I got fit. And it was a pretty important part of the process I think. I can now stand on the 15th tee and not think “bloody hell – I wish this was over”. These days I can calmy make decisions about what shots to take without feeling exhausted.
I recently watched a DVD of the British Open 2005 again. The brilliant St Andrews one that Tiger won. I was reminded of my thoughts when I first saw it nearly two years ago. Tiger played his Saturday round with Colin Montgomery and to put it mildly Tiger was in amazing shape. He stood on the tee and looked like an athlete. He looked like somebody who took the whole thing seriously. Like somebody who was going to bound their way round 18 holes. Colin Montgomery did not. He may have lost weight from his previous massive porky ways but he was still a bit fat and (finally I get round to it) he had a cracking set of man boobs.
An athlete – playing a sport 
A man with Boobs – thinking about cake
In my mind as I watched them on the tee it was all over. Monty has a beautiful swing and amazing talent – no doubt about it. He could thrash the living daylights out of me on the course and probably give me a sound kicking too but you really gotta wonder about his overall commitment to golf as a “sport” if he can’t get fit and strong. To do my one wee par round in a year I did whatever it takes. I got fit and I learned to do the whole banana, protein bar and lots of water thing on a round. I’d have loved to have had a mars bar half way round but I learnt pretty quickly that stuff like that just affects your concentration and gives you energy spikes.
You read so much about these guys at the top taking it seriously and relentlessly sticking to a game that bears no resemblance to the rest of us. You hear about the personal trainers, dieticians and mind gurus. But maybe not Monty. I stood there with my dear ould da and watched him at the Ryder Cup saunter over to Woosie at his golf cart and ask for a Kit Kat! What is that all about?
If you’re gonna beat Tiger then lose the boobs (I’m obviously looking at you Phil Mickelson too) and at least pretend you care about it the way he does. Still don’t believe me about boobs losing you majors. Last years US Open. Three players in contention. Two throw it away and one wins. The two who throw it away are the boob boys – Mickelson and Monty. A boobless Ogilvie wins through. People talk about choking and maybe that’s the case but personally I blame the boobs.
Phil and Monty should Click Here!
Want to read more (but no more about boobs sadly) email me at scratchtoscratch@hotmail.co.uk and I’ll get the first three chapters of my book off to you.
That is superb. Absolutely wetting myself here. I know exactly what you mean.
I’ve watched Mickelson and Tiger on TV and thought the very same thought you had about Monty. Phil’s talent is incredible and in certain places such as short game you’d have to argue he actually had more talent than Tiger but I just don’t get why these guys can’t try and be as fit as possible.
“A man with boobs, thinking about cake”
Very good !!! Golf blog post of the year !!!
BTW I think you are forgetting about the Dolly Parton of man boobs, John Daly. Again, similar to the others mentioned, awesome talent, but just never got his body in the right shape.
Very true.
Why do these sportsmen not see this? They are good, but never the best (not consistently anyway) – the best are always those that prepare most. If you’re in a sport and someone is in better shape than you, chances are you’ve lost already.
I’ll remember this next time I’m thinking about a Mars bar, thankyou.
Never a more true statement made.
Physically unfit = mentally unfit.
If you want to be a winner you have to behave like a winner.
What a superb blog entry. Very funny indeed.
I hate it when I put enough weight on to get man boobs. That is always the signal for me to stop dodging the salad.
Whatever the sport, all talent being equal, the fittest guy will win. Look at the state of Andy Fordham in the darts recently.
The Calc post was spot on.The guy has a chequered history with putters,his last 2 were given to a kid by the 18th and the other was thrown in a lake I believe.This time he walks into a shop and pays retail for a putter than we all use,non of the tour prototype bollocks.He then shoots a course record.Nothing to do with the putter as you say,its all confidence.By the way fit enough for golf means you are fresh on the 18th as you are on the first and no offence but a fellow countryman of yours is a better example than Monty……………Darren Clarke.He is all over the place with his weight and his game seems to have suffered.His undies seem tto be dripping wet every tournament at the mo,ent,he must suffer some chaffing.
Interesting, and amusing, stuff. I have been trying to lose some of my own “fat back” in order to improve my swing. I wonder if Monty’s trousers have an elasticated waist band?
He has forearms like an old woman compared to Tiger, despite the considerable extra girth of his “central trunk.”
Thanks for your comments all.
To be honest – I’m a long way off a Tiger physique myself and one of the benefits of a post like this is that it hopefully will prevent me from stepping into “boob” land again myself. It’s a pretty horrible thing and I’ll get a hell of a lot of abuse if I get porky again myself after such a pompous post as this.
Martin – your point about the forearms is probably more valid. I’ll never forget seeing Berhard Langer’s forearms at the Irish Open in 1981 as an impressionable 15 year old. They were huge. Monty’s are a mile off even that.
To be honest I have a lot of respect for Monty but it does frustrate me to see all that talent being wasted. His day isn’t over yet but he’s gotta be very close to it. Vijay Singh is the classic example of how you can extend your career through relentless work. He clearly works at least as hard as Tiger and by all reports hits the gym nearly as often. I just wish Monty would give himself every chance to do it in these last few years.
Dave – you are of course correct about Darren Clarke but we always forgive him for everything over here because to the Northern Irish we regard him as a God
. We like our heros flawed though. See George Best, Alex Higgins and even Keith Gillespie for examples.
But Clarke is one of the reasons I have been mulling this over for so long. He specifically lost the weight he had originally because he said he couldn’t comfortably play 36 holes in a day like they sometimes have to. He did it to “give himself the chance” which is what I reckon Monty needs. It’s hard to argue that he doesn’t have at least as much raw talent as Monty and almost any golfer on tour at the moment but like I say we give him a break and obviously it has been a very tough few years.
Sean – your Andy Fordham comment is spot on. Too fat to even bother to turn up!!
Del Boy (can it really be you?
) – John Daly is another one I always give a bye-ball to. For no real reason than I just love and adore his short game. I studied his short game nearly as much as Seve’s during the year and as such I decide (in a purely arbitrary fashion) to leave him out of it. Don’t forget though he has won a couple of majors.
To be honest he’s one of those fabulously flawed geniuses that probably just needs to operate like that. The Mickelsons and Montys of this world are much more conventional characters. But like you say – it’s a hard one to justify.
Great stuff John …. Are you related to Paddy Keilty ?
V. entertaining. You sound like a typical Bogeyman like myself though …
Keep it coming …. Seve is my hero too … Rem the putt at Irish Open 198?
Every sport needs it’s flawed geniuses. It would be fecking boring otherwise.
Have you noticed that just about all the new talent looks more like Tiger? I realize they’re younger and haven’t had time to develop ‘boobs’ yet, but I think Tiger has inspired and drawn in more ‘athletes’ to the game. Golf is no longer the activity you try only after failing to make the team in another sport. I’m simply amazed by the talent and athleticism of the young guys I see at our local courses. These guys could be playing any other sport they wish. Anyway, thanks for getting my morning off with a good chuckle! I’ll think twice before I eat another piece of cake
You are absolutely correct my Artful friend. Of course it can be taken too far. Sergio has clearly been hitting the gym pretty hard and had a pretty impressive set of muscular “boobs” recently.
I was looking longingly at a piece of cake myself earlier but I need to wait a while and let this post slip into obscurity before I can get “boobie” myself again if I’m not to be branded a hypocrite.
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